The last Curry-Heute in Bishops Storford was a random choice. More thought and effort went into today’s choice. Rubys (5a Newtown Rd, Bishops Stortford, CM23 3SA) stood out as The Place, argh – it’s a Takeaway only. So much for research.
Shadhona was the nearest venue to Rubys. It was after 22.00, hopefully a Curry and a Bier could be squeezed in to whatever time was left in English midweek licensing. The Polling Stations were now closed. Scotland could be an Independent Country within the next Nine Hours. Democracy.
Greeted on entry, I was marched to a table for two, right behind a group of five chaps with bottles on the table, loud would be understatement. I had to endure their anti-social nonsense for some fifteen minutes. I was asked what I wanted to drink as I took my seat – Sparkling Water – no Drinks List offered.
The Menu was brought with immediate efficiency. Strange names, needlessly so, I couldn’t be bothered reminding myself what Rezala is… from experience it can be anything. I would set out my demands/expectations.
Which Dish has Minimal Masala and Tender Lamb? We agreed on – Thick Masala – as – Dry – appeared to suggest None. There was no Karahi or Lamb Methi on offer here.
Lamb (Tikka) Rang Puri, see what I mean?, was recommended as being -**** **** – yes, The Waiter described his Best Dish as such.
A Vegetable Rice felt like the best Accompaniment, just in case – Dry – was not understood. Given the proximity to London, Lamb Chops to start, London = Small Portions.
Can you please ensure that no Capsicum appears in either the Curry or the Rice please?
Noted.
How Many Chops?
At £4.95 the expectation was more than two. And they were small, at least they had girth. They were accompanied on the iron griddle by Onions which sizzled. I was not permitted to decant these, a young waiter served the Chops and Fried Onions. A Modest Salad and a Sauce which in this light looked like Mango Lassi was the Accompaniment/Decoration.
The Chops were excessively chewy. The gnashers had to work overtime to extract every last morsel from these humble offerings. Although they looked the part, the Chops lacked the welcomed Burny-Taste. Not The Best.
The Staff by now had noticed me snapping everything. No comment. I had also realised by now that the re-stock of Calling Cards was back in my room. The Curry was wheeled out.
Curry with no Coriander or Capsicum – said the young waiter. I would have welcomed Coriander.
Look at this!
Usually it is Marg who draws the short straw and ends up with a plate of Onions. Why do Chefs resort to Onion Overdose when the Mushy Green Ballast is removed from their narrow range of options? Thick? Was this a Thick Masala? Lamb? This was an Onion Curry. The heart sank.
There was a distinct aroma from the Vegetable Rice. This was sampled first. Star Anise – Aniseed to you and me, fragrant, fine. There’s Hope in the Heart.
The Masala had only been introduced to the Lamb moments before they were introduced to the Hector. There was no evidence of Seasoning, and I use this absolute deliberately. Under the mountain of Onions there was presumably some Meat. Eventually this was located, there was more than initially spotted, don’t get excited. The Lamb was chewy, so chewy it felt like Gristle at times. Not Scottish Lamb then.
Flavour? I waited patiently. There was none. Wait, a Green Cardamom was located, this was sucked to excess just to confirm the taste-buds were functioning. Yes, Green Cardamom. End of Flavour. Kick? Well, what do you think? None. This was Curry, allegedly.
This Curry was not bland, it could not even be placed on a Scale of Blandness.
I awaited the Customary Question. The answer was ready.
If you served this in Glasgow, people would laugh. Maybe they wouldn’t, but they would not be fooled again.
The Question was never asked.
The Bill
£19.35. Without the Lamb Chops this would have been within acceptable parameters. Two Chops for £4.95? Come on.
The Aftermath
The people of Bishops Stortford decided that Hector would achieve no sleep before 04.00 by which time nature took hold, an hour long thunderstorm.
At 04.06 the Votes were 49.8% Yes, 50.2% No, I wasn’t dreaming. One needs to be asleep to dream. West Dunbartonshire can forever hold its head high.