Helensburgh – Akash – Communication Breakdown

Eleanor, conceived this evening’s reunion, an Eclectic Gathering. Kirsty had brought herself to Helensburgh for the first time since a certain Curry Blogger’s Retirement Dinner. There had to be Curry, in Helensburgh that means the Akash (45 Sinclair St, Helensburgh, G84 8TG), those who had provided the Curry for the aforementioned Dinner.
Hector jumped the gun and pre-ordered on Wednesday, for Howard too. Mein Host, Rashid, acknowledged the request for Achari Gosht on-the-bone with Extra Methi, Spicy. The last in the line of Hector Specials, this Dish has impressed, yet another Chef Rashid working his magic.
The rendezvous was 18.00, Eleanor and Kirsty arrived as Marg and Hector reached the door. A Photo Opperchancity. Steve and Anthony were already at the table, Howard and Tracey arrived last, they live the closest. Steve’s time was limited, his Band were due to play at the Commodore later.
Rashid was at the door to greet us, as we took our seats he came over to extend the welcome. As always he remarked at the range of destinations that are covered in Curry-Heute            You get everywhere.           I do my best.
Waiter Irfan has gone, the Young Chap who used to assist has been promoted, yet another Young Chap was doing the drinks, well that was the script. Howard asked for a Shandy. What’s a Shandy? Was the reply. More training required. As we were out – To Dine – Hector permitted himself a Cobra. Steve assured his his Band – Slow Train – would not start before 20.30, plenty of time to let the Akash Special Starter – Mixed Combo – (£6.50) digest before the Main Course.

Two sets of Dips and Poppadoms were provided, plenty between eight. These are generally Inclusive in the flat fee that Hector’s Company have enjoyed in recent times. The round of drinks was completed, eventually.
There was an adjacent table of six diners who were well into their meals, plus two other pairs and a Lone Diner. It was good to see the Akash this busy. In addition to this there would be a steady stream of Takeaway orders dealt with, some collected, some delivered.

The Waiter took the Food Order. Anthony never orders Curry in my company – Special Biryani – was his call having verified that it came with a Sauce. Kirsty took the Chicken route – Chicken Kerala Chilli accompanied by Boiled Rice. Chicken Pakora to start.
Marg and Eleanor order the – Lamb Mint Coriander Masala – this has impressed The Ladies previously, not a Dish The Hector would order, Mint?, but this gives further diversity to the review. Pilau Rice for Eleanor, the Single Chapatti for Marg. A Vegetable Pakora was added too.
Steve and Tracey ordered the Hector Special #1 – Methi Gosht Karahi. Steve’s accompaniment remains unknown but he did add a Mixed Combo. Tracey went for the Keema Naan. This left Howard and Hector. The Mixed Combo for Hector, Fish Pakora for Howard and Tracey to share, two Plain Parathas (£2.50) to accompany our Achari. I informed the Waiter that Rashid had Something Special already prepared for us.        All appeared to be clear.

The Starters

The Akash Vegetable Pakora is a particular favourite of Marg, up to the usual standard. I don’t understand Chicken Pakora, it is merely Chicken in Spicy Batter. Fish Pakora is essentially the same but works so much better (IMHO). The Portion of Fish Pakora had already been shared by the time the camera went right.
Marg snaffled one piece of my Chicken Tikka as I dealt with the Seekh Kebab. This left the two smallest Pieces of Lamb Tikka ever served to Hector at the Akash. The Lamb Tikka is meant to be the climax. Still, plenty of room for the Main Course.

Dazed and Confused
Another round of drinks was required. This took at least two attempts. The Chap did not have a lot to do but was taking an age. One feels he should have been aware of the table and offer replenishment. This is how Licensed Curry Houses make their profit.

Some Mains started to arrive with some Sundries, but no matching pairs. Nobody could start. The Plain Parathas looked inviting, but Howard and Hector had no Curry. Eleanor and Marg had their Lamb Mint Coriander but no Pilao Rice or Chapatti.

Anthony was first to get underway, a Thin Masala accompanied his Biryani which had a Mix of Meats, Surf and Turf. No complaints from Anthony.

The arrival of Kirsty’s Boiled Rice meant she could start her Chicken Kerala Chilli. The Sweetness and Coconut were remarked upon. Good for those who like that sort of thing. Another success. Kirsty suggested Eleanor take half of her Boiled Rice, they would top up with the Pilao when it arrived.  The arrival of the Chapatti set Marg on course.

Hector had his eyes on Tracey’s Keema Paratha, the Exterior looked Sound, was it the much sought after Grains of Mince or the poorer Slab of Donner? Tracey opened up the Keema Paratha, Grains, Excellent! This is how they should be served.

Tracey and Steve were well into their Methi Gosht Karahi. This was as Thick and Dry as Hector loves. Both were served on-the-bone. This was unexpected, normally one has to order Lamb on-the-bone in advance at the Akash. Steve remarked on the Salt content, his tolerance is below the Hector’s. This would have been a welcome alternative, Howard and Hector had nothing but two Plain Parathas, rapidly going cold. Still no Pilao Rice. Tracey was struggling with the Methi Gosht Karahi, too intense perhaps. We watched, mustn’t spoil the appetite.
Marg was enthusing about her Lamb Mint Coriander Masala. This may become her Dish of Choice in future visits.

I’m a Hector and I want my Curry
The Hector began assuming The Full Hector Mode. I gestured to The Waiter – We have no Curry. He was busy seeing to a Takeway Customer, the phone rang, another order.  Other Diners were up to pay also. The situation was becoming tense. Rashid had retreated to the Kitchen. The Other Waiter was doing, what….? No Food for Howard and Hector, still no Pilao Rice.

Eventually The Waiter came over and asked what we were waiting for. Was he not aware that Two Diners had no Curry?
What is it you ordered?

I have arranged with Rashid, would you talk to him please? Achari Gosht on-the-bone, with Extra Methi.   We have been been waiting for a Pilao Rice, we do not need it now.   Also, the Parathas have cooled.

Six of Eight Diners were now finished. Steve calculated what he owed and departed for his sound check. Still nothing came. The Waiter returned with his pad …   Chicken Acahri….
Lamb – was my interruption.
Chicken Achari –he repeated.       This time Marg, the School Teacher, could contain herself no more.
You are not listening!

The was Silence in the room. The Remaining Diners knew there was a Haitus.
Once again the Howard and Hector Order was spelled out. Fresh Parathas were promised.
Moments later portions of Achari Gosht were set before us.  No new Parathas. Do we start? Do we wait? The Fresh Parathas were promised. The Other Waiter brought the Pilao Rice. We cancelled that, we don’t need it. Marg took the opportunity of his presence to order a Milky Coffee so as we would not be detained. Tempes Fugit. It was 20.00.

A Strip was torn off one of the Original Parathas, the Ritual Photo taken. Let us demonstrate good humour. Howard and Hector hate to complain, but when we do…. Two Fresh Parathas were presented. They looked Peely Wally but were Fine, rushed, not as Flaky as they could/should have been.  The Original Parathas went to the far end of the table.  Anthony was intrigued.
Howard remarked on the lack of Spice. Hector was appalled at the Masala, it was Shorva, not the Thick Masala that I was anticipating. The entire nature of the Dish had been transformed. This was Poor, clearly thrown together. There was a Potent Pickle Flavour, but not much else. There was no Methi. The Lamb was on-the-bone, but there was as much Bone as Lamb. Tracey observed that Howard and Hector’s Dish did not even look the same.
Lamb Stew – was Howard’s next remark. This was not the Best of Lamb, Too Chewy. The Lamb had just met The Shorva. This was a major FUBAR.

Marg had no Coffee. The Waiter was summoned. Marg had her Coffee. She enjoyed it.

Eleanor announced that the Plain Boiled Rice better suited her Lamb Mint Coriander Masala.

Hector had had enough. I was not in any way Full. I simply lost interest in what lay before me.

Rashid finally re-appeared and immediately apologised. He declared that it was all his fault. As Mein Host, yes. However, it was necessary to inform him that the lack of communication with The Waiter was the root of the matter. He had neither observed, listened, or acted. More Training.
I informed Rashid that I do not like Shorva. Strictly speaking, this is not the case, however, Shorva is not what constitutes the Finest of Akash Curry.

We were offered a Free Curry to Takeaway.  The offer was declined, Marg, Howard and Hector are off to see Steven Wilson (Porcupine Tree) in Newcastle tomorrow.

Hector’s Theory – Not Proven
That Steve and Tracey had ordered the Hector Special #1 had confused Rashid. They had the Lamb on-the-bone intended for Howard and Hector. Our Hector Special #3 was therefore doomed.

Do you think Howard and and I will be charged for our Curry? I asked the remaining five. This presented a Dilemma. To pay for what we had consumed as individuals, or share The Bill as ever.

The Bill
£119.45. A Discount of £30.00 had been applied. So, £15.00 a Head, plus The Standard Tip. A quick calculation: even with the effectively Free Curry, I had probably consumed £15.00 worth of Food and Drink.

The Aftermath
Rashid was at the door to bid us Farewell. I shook his hand.
I shall be back for the Methi Gosht Karahi.

No other Helensburgh Curry House attempts Bespoke Curry.  We all make mistakes.

There are distinct advantages in dining alone.

Storm Gertrude

Marg drove the Ladies to The Commodore. The Chaps walked along in the Perpetual Helensburgh Rain.       Slow Train played their Set.    Get it on. 
That the Bar was closed at 23.00 before the Band had finished their Set was puzzling. On a Friday? Don’t start me…

We all had a Good Night, especially Howard and Hector who are not Truly Happy unless we have something to complain about. (Emoticon understood.)