After yesterday’s truly magnificent Beef Karahi at Lahore Pakistani & Indian Restaurant (Svätoplukova 49, 821 08 Bratislava Slovakia), Hector decided to check out Royal Kashmir Restaurant (Chorvátska 2702, 811 08 Staré Mesto Bratislava Slovakia) which was also to the east of Bratislava’s – Old Town. There was no point coming back out this far to discover the venue had gone as happened yesterday with Punjabi Dhaba (Šancová 92, 831 04 Nové Mesto Bratslava Slovakia).
Marg and Hector walked in @14.00, met Mein Host and studied the Lamb Dishes. There was a decent array from which to choose, we declared our intention to return this evening. Royal Kashmir is the most highly rated Curry House in Bratislava according to a major source, expectations were therefore – high.
Arriving at 18.45, four of the nine tables were already occupied but who was actually eating? Was there a Hiatus in the kitchen? Slowly our fellow diners were served, I managed the occasional glimpse, Dark Masala, no nasty Red Food Dye here I concluded.
When Mein Host eventually took our Order he was quite amusing. That he was comfortable with English again raised our expectations. Lamb Methi (€11.80) was on the Menu, how could Hector resist? Marg opted for Lamb Rogan Josh Kashmiri (€11.80) accompanied by a Roti (€1.70). I had hoped to order a Paratha but Plain Paratha was not an option, various stuffed versions were. Marg would have her Roti. For Hector, Veg fried rice (€3.20) would accompany. As we ordered, Marg suggested Crispy Duck (€8.50) as a Starter. This took me by surprise, not an Indian Dish per se.
The Waiter checked our required Spice Levels, Marg asked for Medium, for Hector – Medium-plus – was noted. I showed a photo of Capsicum and asked that none be served in our Order. He studied what he had written, Lamb Methi, none, Vegetable Rice, none. He assured me that I need not be concerned.
No large bottle of Sparkling Water was available. No way was Hector paying €1.90 for a 300ml bottle when draught Krusovice was available by the half litre for the same price. Marg had Sparkling Water, Hector broke a habit and ordered Pivo.
Also sparkling – added Mein Host.
How can a Restaurant charge effectively more for Water than Bier?
And so began the wait. Two chaps left, the only ones who had food when we arrived, a couple sat at a table for six which I found to be somewhat odd. Seven of nine tables were occupied!
A young child appeared from the kitchen area on a bike and proceeded to cycle around the Restaurant. This was not just for a circuit before being rebuked and told to behave. This went on and on… We were here to dine, not wait for the inevitable tears. Wait, wait we did.
At 19.25 the door opened, a group of eighteen people from the Indian Subcontinent filed in and went downstairs. A blast of cold air accompanied their arrival. Marg gestured to the last chap who had left the door open. Marg was ignored, she got up and closed the door. Moments later another six chaps came in, they did not join the others but stood at the Bar. Mein Host served them all drinks and they took the remaining table for six before eventually disappearing downstairs. That took twenty minutes.
Prior to their arrival, we were definitely due to be served our Starter. I was noting the time, 19.45, as Mein Host brought the Crispy Duck, two Dips, and some plates. Marg thought we were being served everything at once.
We ordered the Crispy Duck as a Starter – she exclaimed to Mein Host.
I had spotted that the plates etc. were to share what now lay before us, a plate of sliced Duck on a bed of sizzling Onions, Courgette and copious Red Capsicum!
Boneless duck marinated in chefs (sic) special ginger batter – it said on the Menu. Marg had misread, she was expecting Duck in Batter a la Pakora, however, from her first mouthful she was happy with what she was eating, mostly. The Capsicum was set aside, it simply cannot work with Curry. Burping with Capsicum and Curry is not a happy experience. In what way was the Duck – Crispy?
Four minutes after the presentation of the Crispy Duck, the Mains arrived. We were no more than a third of the way through, the Curry was going to get cold. Mein Host muttered an apology about how busy they were. Twenty four people presumably having Buffet downstairs must have been planned well in advance, a case for – more staff required.
The Curry-Heute
Both had excessive, thin Masala, Shorva in effect, and not what we had hoped for. Marg realised she needed Rice, hers was not a Curry one could eat with Bread alone. Fortunately the Vegetable Rice was plentiful. Containing Broccoli, Carrots, Green Beans and Sweetcorn, this is what I had hoped for at the time of ordering. Hector would not just be having Meat and Masala.
Curry – A
There was a topping of Dry Methi no sign of the Fresh Methi the Menu had claimed. I arranged the sixteen pieces of Meat over the Rice. I could not bring myself to pour the surplus Shorva over what still looked like an acceptable Curry.
I took a photo of the Dark Brown residue instead, then sampled it. Gravy! This was not a Masala worthy of the Hector, and certainly nothing associated with the north-west of the Indian Subcontinent.
Lamb Stew – was my remark to Marg who could sense my disappointment.
This tastes as if it has come straight out of a packet – I added. I know, I have tried Spice Mix from a packet, the taste is – Powdery, they’re terrible and what lay before me was equally so.
Curry – B
Here was a paler, slightly thicker Masala topped with what appeared to be an Oil Slick. Rogan Josh? I have watched this Dish change over the years from a Tomato-rich Curry to a more Creamy one. Today’s was not recognisable as being in either camp. In what way was this a Rogan Josh?
Mein Host came over to ask the customary question. What followed should have been recorded precisely, a farce, Hector reports a true and fair an account as noted at the time.
I stirred the spoon in the Oily Gravy.
Is this made from a packet? – I asked Mein Host. He of course denied this.
Is there Onion in this Masala? This is nothing like the Curry a Kashmiri Chef would serve.
He insisted that this was indeed – Kashmiri – then dropped the bombshell. According to him, Hector had been eating the Rogan Josh!
But this one had the Methi on top.
Methi is everywhere – he replied, I wish.
Do you know what Methi is? – I retorted – It’s a Herb and that was on top of this Curry.
Disaster for Hector!
Marg and Hector had to exchange Curry. Marg realised I had most of the Rice and so we had to extricate the Vegetable Rice from under the Meat. Marg, with her Roti and minimal Rice had also eaten more of her Curry, a double whammy.
Start again
Curry – B was decidedly less Spicy and had virtually no Seasoning whatsoever. This was Bland Curry, a travesty. To quote Fielding Mellish in Woody Allen’s – Bananas – It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.
I was not amused, I ate the lot, I was hungry having waited an hour to be fed.
With reference to Curry – B, Marg thought – it had a wee kick to it – I couldn’t taste any Methi, I was just so hungry I could have eaten a horse. The meat was tender, there was plenty of it.
And to Curry – A:
It was a rich sauce, I would say it may have had wine, a rich gravy.
The Calling Card was looked out. Marg kept asking me to be calm, she sensed I was ready to further relate how appalling our experience at Royal Kashmir had been this evening.
If I don’t tell them to their face then how can I write it up in Curry-Heute.com?
The Bill
Procuring – The Bill – added to the frustration of the visit. Mein Host had disappeared again. A young waiter was suddenly on duty, clearing tables. I gave him the Calling Card – please give this to your Boss – and asked to pay.
€40.80 (£35.17) Our most expensive meal in Bratislava, and by far the worst.
The Aftermath
Mein Host brought the change, there would be no Tip. The Calling Card was on the tray, I handed it over once more and told him that everything tonight would be Blogged. He apologised for the delay, I don’t think he realised the full extent of our lack of enjoyment.
Ten minutes later at Craft B33R Gallery I posted a photo of the – Gravy – on my own choice of Social Medium. The Friends of Hector back in Scotland were quick to share my pain:
Yvonne – What is that?
Jim: It don’t look very nice!! You had better put some bog roll in the fridge you may be needing it.
Stewart: Looks like a Belfast sink in a horror movie.
Trainspotting? – I replied.
Joe took some time to alter the image, thank you.
